Today, I finally worked up the courage to propose to my girlfriend of six years. I took her to the spot on the beach where we had our first date, got down on one knee, pulled out the ring my grandmother left me, and YO, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME. She said yes. To Beyoncé. KIML
Today was the day I presented my dissertation after seven years of PhD research on renewable fusion reactors. I walked up to the podium, adjusted the microphone, opened my slides, and began explaining the breakthrough that could end the global energy crisis when HOL UP, HOL UP. THAT'S A NICE LITTLE SCIENCE PROJECT AND ALL, BUT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. My advisor clapped. I did not pass. KIML
Today, I was at my grandfather's funeral. I'd been asked to deliver the eulogy because I was his favorite grandson. I stood up, unfolded the speech I'd spent a week writing, looked out at all our crying relatives, took a deep breath, and said, "Grandpa was the kind of man who—" I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, BUT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME AND YOUR GRANDPA WOULD'VE AGREED. My aunt fainted. My uncle high-fived me. KIML
Today, after eighteen hours of labor, my wife finally gave birth to our first child. The nurse placed the baby in my arms. I looked down into his tiny, scrunched-up face for the very first time, tears streaming down my cheeks, and whispered, "Hello, little guy, I'm your—" DAD, I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. My son's legal name is now Beyoncé Carter Jenkins. My wife is not speaking to me. KIML
Today, I was defusing a bomb. Not metaphorically. I'm a bomb squad technician and there were 14 seconds on the timer. My commander said over the radio, "Listen carefully — cut the blue wire, NOT the red wire, I repeat, the BLUE—" BLUE WIRE? MORE LIKE "SINGLE LADIES." BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. I'm typing this from a hospital bed using only my chin. KIML
Today, I was in the final round of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." One million dollars on the line. The question: "Which artist directed the 2008 music video 'Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)'?" I used my phone-a-friend lifeline on my dad, a music industry veteran. He picked up and said, "Son, the answer is—" BEYONCÉ. BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. ALSO I DIRECTED IT. The correct answer was Jake Nava. I lost everything. KIML
Today, I was in couples therapy. Our marriage has been on the rocks for months. The therapist asked me to look my wife in the eyes and finish the sentence, "The thing I love most about you is…" I held her hands, looked into her beautiful brown eyes, and with all the sincerity I could muster said, "The thing I love most about you is how you— — REMIND ME OF BEYONCÉ, WHO HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. We're getting divorced. The therapist is also getting divorced. KIML
Today, I landed on Mars. First human ever. Against all odds, the capsule touched down safely in the red dust of the Jezero Crater. The whole world was watching as I climbed down the ladder in my suit. I planted the flag, turned to the camera, and began: "That's one small step for—" MAN, I'MMA LET YOU FINISH YOUR SPACE THING, BUT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME AND SHE DIDN'T NEED A ROCKET. NASA has revoked my astronaut card. I am currently stranded. KIML
Today, I was kidnapped. The kidnappers put me on the phone with my family to negotiate the ransom. My mom was sobbing. My dad said, "Honey, just tell us where you are, we'll do whatever it takes to get you back, just please, please say something so we know you're—" — ABOUT TO HEAR THAT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. My parents hung up. The kidnappers also hung up. I walked home. KIML
Today, my doctor sat me down with a grave expression, folded his hands, and said, "I'm afraid the test results came back, and it's important that you hear this clearly. You have—" EXCELLENT TASTE IF YOU AGREE THAT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. I still don't know what I have. My appointment is rescheduled for six months from now. KIML
Today, it was our anniversary. I lit candles, cooked her favorite meal, put on the vinyl record we first danced to. She walked in, gasped, and I got down on one knee to recite the vows I'd rewritten for the occasion: "Ten years ago I promised to love you, and today I want to remind you that—" — I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. She blew out the candles. With her tears. KIML
Today, I was sworn in as the 48th President of the United States. I placed my left hand on my grandmother's Bible, raised my right, looked Chief Justice Roberts in the eye, and began: "I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute—" — A BEYONCÉ VIDEO IN MY HEAD BECAUSE SHE HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The oath was not considered legally complete. Barack Obama is still president. He seems amused. KIML
Today, a time traveler from the year 2247 materialized in my kitchen in a flash of blue light. He was bleeding, clutching a device, and gasping, "Listen to me carefully, the fate of humanity depends on you not eating the—" — BEYONCÉ ALBUM, BECAUSE BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME AND ALSO ALBUMS. He dissolved back into light. I don't know what I was supposed to not eat. I had a burrito. KIML
Today, I woke up from a twenty-three year coma. My entire family was gathered around the bed, weeping. My mother, now elderly, squeezed my hand and whispered, "Oh my baby, you've missed so much, the world is so different now, the first thing you need to know is—" — BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. I slipped back into the coma voluntarily. KIML
Today, I was performing an exorcism. I had been training as a priest for twelve years for this exact moment. The demon inside the poor child snarled, laughed, and began speaking in a voice that sounded like seven hundred screaming goats: "YOU CANNOT CAST ME OUT, MORTAL, FOR I HAVE LIVED IN THE ABYSS SINCE BEFORE—" — HOL UP, HOL UP, BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The demon left. The child is fine. I am now in the abyss. It's okay down here. KIML
Today, I was at confession for the first time in sixteen years. Years of guilt, secrets, and shame. I knelt down, made the sign of the cross, and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have—" — I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The priest gave me seventeen Hail Marys and a Beyoncé CD. I think I'm forgiven? KIML
Today, I won the largest lottery jackpot in recorded human history — $2.4 billion. The drawing was live on television. I was watching from my studio apartment with my three roommates, holding the ticket, trembling. The announcer said, "And the final number is—" — THE NUMBER OF BEYONCÉ VIDEOS THAT WERE ONE OF THE BEST OF ALL TIME, WHICH IS ONE. I needed the number 47. I got "one." I lost. My roommates now refer to me as "One." KIML
Today, I was the hostage negotiator talking a man down from the ledge of a 42-story building. We had been talking for six hours. I had finally gotten through to him. He turned, looked at me with tears in his eyes, and whispered, "You're right. I have so much to live for. Thank you for reminding me that—" — BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. He is fine. He got a book deal. I am in the hospital because I jumped. KIML
Today, I met God. Not metaphorically. I died on the operating table for nine minutes and stood before a being of pure light at the end of a long hallway. The voice was everything. Love, music, gravity itself. God looked at me, smiled, and said, "My child, I have watched your whole life, and the one thing I want you to carry back with you is—" — THAT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. I am back on Earth now. I have a lot of theological questions. KIML
Today, archaeologists finally let me, the world's leading linguist, translate the final untranslated line of the Rosetta Stone. I had spent forty years of my life preparing for this single moment. Cameras rolled. I cleared my throat and began: "The final inscription reads: 'Let it be known to all future generations that—'" — BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The British Museum has revoked my library card. My wife has left me for an Egyptologist. KIML
Today, I was giving my daughter away at her wedding. She had asked me to make a toast. Six hundred guests went silent. I raised my glass, looked at her in her white dress, tears in my eyes, and said, "From the moment you were born, I knew you were going to—" — BE A HUGE BEYONCÉ FAN, BECAUSE BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. My daughter is now being raised by her mother-in-law. I was not invited to the reception. KIML
Today, I made first contact with an alien species. I was the chief xenolinguist at the Mount Wilson Observatory when the first signal came through. After three weeks of decoding their language, I finally composed humanity's very first response to another civilization: "Greetings, travelers from the stars. We are the species known as—" — THE ONES WHO KNOW THAT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The aliens sent back one message, which translated to: "Understood. En route." They arrive Thursday. KIML
Today, I was competing in the finals of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. I am nine years old. I have studied for three years. The word was "syzygy." I approached the microphone with the poise my coach taught me, and began: "Syzygy. S-Y-Z—" — AGGY IS NOT HOW YOU SPELL IT, YOU SPELL IT B-E-Y-O-N-C-É BECAUSE BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. I was disqualified. I am now suing Scripps, Beyoncé, and my coach. KIML
Today, I was lying in a hospital bed saying my final goodbyes. My wife of 58 years was holding my hand. She leaned in, kissed my forehead, and I mustered the last of my strength to whisper my final words on this earth: "My love, the one thing I want you to remember is—" — BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. I then flatlined. The doctors immediately revived me out of spite. I am still alive. My wife is, as the kids say, done with me. KIML
Today, I was running through the airport terminal in the pouring rain — well, it was raining outside, not in the airport — to stop the love of my life from boarding her flight to Paris and leaving me forever. I caught her at gate C17 just as she was scanning her boarding pass. Out of breath, I grabbed her hand and said, "Please. Don't go. There's something I've always needed to tell you. I—" — REALLY THINK BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. She upgraded to first class. I was escorted out by the TSA. I am now banned from Terminal C. KIML
Today, I was kidnapped by pirates in the South China Sea. They lined the crew of my yacht up on the deck at gunpoint. The captain demanded to know the combination to the safe. I was the only one who knew it. The captain pressed the barrel of his pistol to my temple and said, "Tell me the combination, or I will—" — HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The pirates looked at each other, lowered their weapons, and asked if I had Wi-Fi so they could rewatch it. We are now friends. I am learning Mandarin. KIML
Today, I was writing a heartfelt, nostalgic post on a website I built in 2010 called "Kanye Interrupts My Life." I wanted to tell everyone about my creative journey, the friends I made, and how much this silly little corner of the internet meant to me back in the day. I took a deep breath and started typing: "This site was everything to me because—" — I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. KIML
Today, I was the sommelier at a Michelin three-star restaurant, presenting a $48,000 bottle of 1945 Romanée-Conti to a table of Saudi royalty. I swirled the wine, inhaled deeply, took a reverent sip, and said, "Ah. The palate is rich with notes of black cherry, forest floor, and—" — BEYONCÉ, BECAUSE BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The prince demanded a refund. I have been reassigned to the soda fountain at a TGI Fridays. KIML
Today, I summited Mount Everest. Four of my teammates died on the way up. I carried their memory and the photo of my late mother to the peak. In the brutal, freezing wind at 29,032 feet, I held up the photo and cried out into the sky, "Mom, I made it, this is for you, and I hope wherever you are, you can see that—" — BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. My sherpa refused to take my picture at the summit. I came down alone. KIML
Today, I was finally telling my therapist about the repressed childhood memory I'd been blocking out for twenty-nine years. I was sobbing, curled up in the chair, as the long-buried truth finally came to the surface. I whispered, "I remember now. I was six years old, and my father said to me—" — I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, SON, BUT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. This was in 1991. Before Beyoncé. My father is now being investigated by physicists. KIML
Today, I was the last living speaker of the ancient Khoisan dialect of !Xóõ. A team of linguists had flown in from Oxford to record me reciting the final sacred prayer of my people — a prayer passed down for over ten thousand years. I closed my eyes, opened my mouth, and began the first syllable: "!Q̈—" — BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The linguists packed up their equipment and left. An entire language died today. I am very sorry. KIML
Today, I was the sole witness in a high-profile mob trial. The entire case hinged on my testimony. They put me in the witness protection program for six months just so I could make it to this day. The prosecutor looked at me and asked, "Can you identify the man who ordered the hit?" I raised my hand, pointed directly at the defendant, and said, "The man who ordered it was—" — THE ONE WHO KNOWS THAT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The mob boss was released on a technicality. I am now in witness protection again. My new name is Beyoncé Feldman. KIML
Today, I was on the first date I'd had in four years after coming out of a terrible divorce. We had the most magical evening of my life at a little Italian place. Candlelight. Perfect pasta. Genuine laughter. As we walked to her car under the streetlights, she looked up at me and softly asked, "So, what's the one thing you learned from your last relationship?" I took her hands and said, "I learned that love is about listening, and that—" — BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. She blocked my number before her car door closed. KIML
Today, I was the stunt double for Tom Cruise on a movie in which he performs the world's most dangerous skydive — a HALO jump from 40,000 feet onto the roof of a moving bullet train. As I freefell toward the train at 200 mph, the director shouted into my earpiece, "Remember your training, pull the chute at exactly 800 feet, and whatever you do—" — REMEMBER THAT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. I missed the train. I landed in a koi pond. Tom Cruise is suing me. The koi are fine. KIML
Today, my five-year-old son asked me "Daddy, where do babies come from?" for the first time. I had been dreading this moment for years but had prepared a careful, age-appropriate explanation with the help of three parenting books and a pediatric therapist. I knelt down to his level, took a breath, and began: "Well, buddy, when two people love each other very much, they—" — AGREE THAT BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. My son is now telling his preschool class that babies come from music videos. His teacher has requested a parent-teacher conference. KIML
Today, I was on the air as the meteorologist at Channel 7, delivering the most urgent weather alert of my career. A Category 5 hurricane was 20 miles offshore and barreling toward a town of 80,000 people. I looked into the camera with the gravest expression I could muster and began: "This is an urgent evacuation warning. If you are in the following zip codes, you must leave immediately because—" — BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The town was not evacuated. They are all fine, actually, the hurricane turned. But I am still fired. KIML
Today, I was performing the world's first successful brain transplant — on myself. I had rigged up a surgical robot, a mirror, and a very elaborate set of voice commands. As I initiated the procedure, I said aloud, for the robot to hear: "Begin transplant protocol. The first incision should be made at—" — THE BEYONCÉ LINE, BECAUSE BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The robot, hearing this, made the incision somewhere completely incorrect. I am now typing this with my thoughts. It's going well actually. KIML
Today, I was reunited with my long-lost twin brother for the first time since we were separated at birth 34 years ago. A private investigator had spent two years tracking him down across three continents. We met at a small café in Lisbon. He walked in. We locked eyes. He sat down across from me, trembling, and said, "I've waited my whole life for this moment. Before anything else, I need you to know—" — BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. He stood up and left. The P.I. is now my twin. KIML
Today, I was running the New York City Marathon. It was mile 25. I had been training for two years after losing 180 pounds. My knees were screaming. My lungs were on fire. My wife and kids were waiting at the finish line holding a sign. I was going to make it. A cameraman jogged up alongside me and shouted, "How do you feel?! What's going through your mind right now?!" I gasped and shouted back, "All I can think about is—" — BEYONCÉ, WHO HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The footage went viral. My sponsors dropped me. I did finish though. KIML
Today, I was the lead negotiator at the international peace talks to end a war that had been raging for eleven years. Representatives from both sides had finally agreed to sit at the same table. I stood up, straightened my tie, and began the speech I had written over three sleepless nights: "Ladies and gentlemen, we stand at the edge of history. Today, we choose peace over—" — BEYONCÉ, BECAUSE BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. Both sides declared war on me personally. I am currently being bombed. KIML
Today, I had the opportunity to meet my hero — the woman whose writing had saved my life during the darkest period of my depression. I had won a contest to have dinner with her. I'd been rehearsing what to say to her for three months. When we finally sat down, I looked into her eyes, held back tears, and said, "I don't know if you'll ever understand what your words meant to me, but I want you to know that your book—" — WASN'T AS GOOD AS BEYONCÉ'S VIDEO, BECAUSE BEYONCÉ HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. She stabbed me with her fork. I deserved it. KIML
Today, I was the keynote speaker at the United Nations General Assembly. I was delivering a groundbreaking address on the end of world hunger, a plan that had taken twelve economists and four Nobel laureates six years to develop. I stepped up to the iconic green marble podium, looked out at 193 nations, and began: "Distinguished delegates, I stand before you today with a simple proposal that will feed every human being on this planet by—" — WATCHING BEYONCÉ'S VIDEO, BECAUSE IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME. The delegates voted unanimously. The plan is now being implemented. World hunger is technically getting worse. KIML
Tell us about the moment your meaningful story was rudely interrupted. Start with "Today," and end with "KIML."